Tackling change, one attachment lesson at a time.

Jan 20 2012 11:36PM

'A' is for Attachment......

We are just over 6 months into placement. Things have been good for a while now, each day getting brighter and better. We thought we were pretty much out of the woods so to speak and we thought that attachment with DS was pretty much a done deal.

Up until now, we have allowed DS and DD to pretty much do what they want. I don’t mean literally – but I mean they spent their days running around, playing indoors and outdoors, watching a little TV (oops :D) and generally having fun with each other and with us in a fairly unstructured, toddler-led way. Good, healthy, family, fun life I suspect many would say and all we needed, especially in the beginning. We have tackled and continued to do so, a number of behavioural and emotional problems and we have introduced from the beginning a routine for their day – this is for 2 children who previously had none. In doing this we have managed to give them the much-needed sleep they were both desperate for, a better more balanced diet and successfully introduce potty training for DS who was more than ready for it. Of course in amongst all that we have introduced boundaries to deal with the volatile behaviour, the emotional outburst and nurturing, loving, consistent affection. We have implemented a number of therapeutic attachment techniques and activities into their day and remained consistent wherever possible. We have been rewarded with two children who seemed to be becoming happier and more settled each day.

Recently we decided that it was time to induct DS (being the slightly older one) into some learning since he will be starting nursery this year. The main reason for this was not so he could be top of the class, some kind of super-genius child who will turn into a high-flying career adult (though he does have aspirations to be an astronaut!) but mainly to try and help him with the concepts of attention, focus, discipline , listening and learning. He is only young but we have noticed his behaviour and activity levels are bordering on hyper-active and he simply wants to charge around, throw himself about, scream and shout. Now we know all toddlers do this to a degree but his attention and engagement seemed to us to be pretty weak, even for a child of his age. To say he can’t sit still or keep quiet is an understatement. Without disrespecting his former carers or revealing too much, he was used to pretty much running around doing whatever he wished without boundaries, supervision or structure, so much so that we are now dealing with some repercussions of that. So with nursery looming we felt it would be beneficial to help him learn some basic toddler-level skills – colours, numbers, 1-10 and ABC. He is a smart boy (sometimes too smart!) but we weren’t expecting much – just some engagement in what we were teaching for a short period each day to help him stay focused, sit still, listen and try.

Oh well. We started with learning 5 colours of some of his favourite toys. We knew he knew some of these already so we thought he would take easily to it. We were fully prepared for some incorrect answers, some resistance, boredom and plenty of ‘I don’t know’. What we weren’t expecting was the total intentional non-compliance and upset that followed. And the total lack of engagement. He refused to name colours and was obstructive, angry, rude and deliberately awkward. It wasn’t just colours, when we started with 1-5, he repeatedly refused to cooperate and would do anything to get away, shouting out higher numbers and being rude. What followed was a complete alteration of behaviour for the next few days (still continuing) from the happy, entertainer, extrovert child we had come to know, to one who regressed to a volatile, emotional state and detached himself even more entirely from us as his parents.

Now plenty of people reading this will say that perhaps we were expecting too much of a nearly 3-year old. And that loads of toddlers can’t sit still and don’t want to do as they are told. And that its normal for them to not understand things such as colours or numbers. But we know our boy and we know that when in a compliant mood, he is able to quickly tell you the colour of the cup or count how many pushes you have given him on the swings.

What we realised was that it wasn’t the learning itself that he was resisting and that had upset him. It was the change in the ‘status quo’ that he had known up to this point. That by simply introducing a ten-minute slot where he was required to sit down and listen, he was resisting our ‘authority’ as ‘teachers’ because he wasn’t fully attached to us. The more we thought about this, the more we realised that he frequently refused to engage with us or interact in any way more than a minute or so. And that he was too eager to escape off the bed, that he didn’t notice or mind particularly if we left the room and that cuddles and kisses were snatched – not because he was a ‘very active normal toddler’ rushing around but one who didn’t want to spend anything more than superficial time with us. He was happier in his own little world running around wildly, doing whatever he wished without any desire to spend time with us more than was necessary. Anyone who meets him will know that he likes to ‘monkey-about’ putting on a show and performance and appears at least on the surface as a noisy, confident, bubbly entertainer. Frequent mention by him of his former caregivers revealed he liked them more than us and still believed them to be mum and dad and not us. He was purposefully (and still is) disengaging himself from us and his refusal to cooperate was more than toddler defiance but a lack of belief in us as his parents. His performing charging around, throwing himself on the floor, jumping, dancing and general hyperactivity was hiding not a child who was comfortable in attention and self-esteem, but one who really thought that this was the way to distract us (or anyone) from his low confidence, lack of belief in himself and us and the confusion he still clearly felt.

Change of any type for any adopted child is a big thing. Even a little change such as we have tried do with him. We read stories together, we play with bubbles, we dance, we draw pictures but any activity which requires him to listen to us is met with a brick wall. Ok, again, plenty of people reading this will say this is normal but if you are an adoptive parent, particularly to a toddler like us, then you will know that you know your child. Goodness, every parent knows their child better than anyone else – and we know that there is more to this than meets the eye. Unfortunately we know that its not just that he doesn’t want to tell me that 2 comes after 1 or that the plastic spoon is blue, but that in fact he is only superficially attached to us even after all this time. He doesn’t want to engage – he is happier in his own world, running wild, rushing around physically while the thoughts and emotions rush around in his head.

So we aren’t out of the woods yet. And we now know that any sort of structure and change has huge impact on him. And that the front that he puts on of this dancing, jumping, cheeky little monkey is hiding an awful lot more going on under the surface. For now, we will leave things like colours and shapes for a little bit and will return to therapeutic parenting and attachment techniques from earlier. Perhaps we got ahead of ourselves. Perhaps its too early. I guess this was a lesson for all us and that we weren’t the teachers but DS was – he taught us an awful lot about what is going on in his little head and heart and that as an adoptive parent, its probably safer to never assume you are ‘out of the woods’ just yet.

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