Aug 21 2012 6:35PM
The boys off on holiday, me staying behind, simply sharing my thoughts about this morning.
This morning I waved off Dh and Db who are going away on a camping trip together. It is the second time this summer that they have taken off. Mixed feelings abound. Great sadness and disappointment - I would love to be going off with them on a happy family holiday, but such is the breakdown in my relationship with Db this is simply no longer possible. The other feeling is relief – relief that I do not have to suffer yet another holiday with the threat of excessive levels of unprovoked violence and aggression with no escape.
At home I am in my comfort zone and I can remove myself from any situation either by leaving the room, or if necessary leaving the house.Holidays do not offer this same freedom – we do not usually take both cars, and there is the added worry that if Db ‘goes off’ it is somebody else’s property that will get damaged.
I have been aware for some time that to secure any kind of relationship with Db the whole family needs urgent and intensive therapeutic intervention. Our current circumstances are unsustainable and unsafe for all concerned. We are holding on by our fingertips waiting…….
All arrows are pointing in the same direction. Perhaps we will not secure the treatment, and even if we do perhaps we still have to face the reality that we will not be able to live together as a family.
Certainly we already know that our love is not enough, we cannot simply love this better.
What actually happens when you finally admit that you cannot continue? Will anybody else understand Db’s needs as well as we think we do and get him the support and treatment we think he needs? Who will be his champion without us? Are we a negative influence in his life? What is there left that we can do to try and make the situation improve? Can we trust Social Services or will they simply remove Db and severe our link to him?
So many questions spinning in my head, all too unbearableto contemplate. Time to distract myself with something else. No easy answer today. Maybe tomorrow it will become clearer?